Last Year, This Time

It was the same date last year. Recession had hit everyone in more ways than anyone can ever describe in one blog post. I was desperately trying to find another job before I was thrown out of my current one. Needless to say, I was not meeting any success and with every passing day, my options, and hopes, were diminishing. I had everything just a few weeks back. A well paying job, great friends, a comfortable flat that I had so enthusiastically set up and all of a sudden it came crashing down. It was not just a job loss. It was a phase which I never imagined would come in my life. I always thought I was too smart, well-connected and secure to feel any threat whatsoever from the recession. I used to tell everyone how one could still manage to survive and thrive in the industry if one were smart enough. And yet, there I was – begging anyone and everyone to arrange a interview call for me, attending any interview call that I could manage to get and praying, desperately, to the Gods I never believed in.  And yet things were not showing any signs of improvement.

 My parents had come over, as they usually used to do in the summers. By the time they arrived here, I was on a paid leave from my employers which basically meant that I had to wait until they asked me and half of the rest of organization, to formally resign and fend for themselves. It used to be a different scenario in earlier summers. We used to have a great time together as a family. I got to spend time with my parents the way I never could before I started earning. A boarding school upbringing though teaches you so much about life, it deprives you of those childhood memories that most kids grow up with of their families. So when my parents used to arrive, I used to spend a lot of time with them. Buy things for them, take them to various places and connect with them on a level which I never thought I could earlier. And the joy that you see in their eyes when they see you doing well in life. But this year was different.

This year, everyday, I used to wake up, check my mails hoping to see some positive news from anywhere, and then spend the rest of the day sitting, pretending as if nothing had happened. But we all knew too well what was happening. And what it was doing to all of us. Then the day came. It was a Friday. My father is an avid tabla player. And as this was a longer trip to Bangalore, he had carried his tabla with him. Everyday post lunch he used to play it for a couple of hours and for him, that Friday was no different. I got up, got dressed and reached my office where they had called us for a “meeting”. As expected, they told us that they were sorry that they could not do anything for us and asked us to formally resign. I resigned and came home. When I reached home, dad was playing the tabla. Looking at me, he asked me how the meeting went. I told him that I have resigned and sank into the sofa. He said “ok” and started playing again. I was shocked. I told him, “I have resigned and I don’t know what I’m going to do now.” He said, “Don’t worry. Everything will be alright”, and resumed the tabla.  I was not sure how to react to this whole situation. Two hours later, I got a call on my mobile. It was Chetan LS – then VP of HR, Aditi Technologies. He told that he came to know that I was looking for a job change and asked if I could join Aditi again. All I could say was “yes”. He said, “fine, let me roll out an offer for you, can you join us on Monday?” All I could say was “yes”. And then I looked at my dad, he was still playing the tabla, smiling.

It’s been a year from that incident. Things have changed a lot, and, thankfully, for the better. When I look back at this date exactly a year back, I realize that I grew so much as a person in those couple of hours. In those few hours, without saying anything, my dad taught me the importance of staying humble and positive, and the importance of staying calm in difficult situations. He taught me that irrespective of how tough the situation is, it always changes. What matters is how we handle the change. And how we hold our nerves while the transition is happening. And yes, how important it is to know how to play a musical instrument!

As I take another huge leap of faith in my life, I feel a strange calm surrounding me. I know that no matter what I come across in future, I will survive. And the music will play on!

I am..

It’s a Saturday afternoon… I’m on my bike going somewhere on the Outer Ring Road... I’m doing somewhere between 75-85..( can’t be precise as the speedo stopped working sometime back)..

.

There’s Timberland and Timberlake blaring Carry Out in the earphones… I can feel the warm sun on the back of my neck…it’s a beautiful day..

I see an SUV trying to take over from the left..i loosen the throttle a bit.. the SUV pedals to catch up.. I lazily let go of the throttle fully and can see the SUV diminish into the distance..

 as I cross it, I give a lazy, dismissive nod to the driver and move on.. the music still pumping in my ears.

I might be nothing. I might have been a loser all my life. But, in that one moment, for those few seconds… 

I am The King of Cool.

Confessions of an Unfaithful Lover

Love, unlike success, at least in my opinion, does not have a definitive moment. Is it the first sight, or the first touch, or the first sense of ownership or the first feeling of belonging? Can we point at any one moment and say that this moment was when we fell in love? Can we say that I was not in love before so-and-so moment and I was in love after that? No. it’s a gradual process, like growing up. We do not know how much we have grown until we stand against that measuring scale or, in some cases, over the weighing scale.

She came into my life during college. I had just rented a flat with my friends and was trying to celebrate my newfound freedom in every possible way I could think of. The one problem that kept dampening my spirits and messing my shoes was the torturous bus rides to college from my flat. But the day she came into my life, it all changed. I started enjoying the commute, I was among the cool dudes of my class and the envy of most of the other guys. It was known to me from the very beginning that she had once belonged to someone else. She never tried to hide it from me, rather made it a point that I accepted her with her past, which I wholeheartedly did.

She was from Haryana. Had been born and brought up there, even met the first man in her life there. Her moods, her tantrums, her carefree attitude and the wildness- it had Haryana written all over her. Right from the first time I met her, I knew there was something between us. And we got along so well. My friends loved her, came to me so that they could get to spend some time with her. She always treated them well, and made sure that she was there whenever anyone needed her, but never at the cost of my feelings. The two years that I spent in college with her by my side had so many memories.

She saved me once from getting caught in a fight with some local rowdies. Once saved me from coming under a bus because of some crazy mood swings. After my first placement exam where I had done extremely well and was confident of getting the job offer, on our way back, out of sheer childish happiness, I took off my helmet and kissed her right on her face. In the middle of the traffic with a puzzled crowd looking at me, I kissed her and then just zoomed off.  I don’t know what she thought at that point but I felt her smile.

 Whenever I was in trouble, she ensured that I was safe. She ensured that I reached home safely after my drunken parties and late night drives. She made sure that I was on time for college and for my MBA coaching classes and she ensured that I beat all other guys on our bike races on the NH7 on our way back after classes. I, on my part, took her for granted for most of the time and paid attention to her only when she, in her ever so polite ways, could take it no more. I was just too busy building my future and having a good time to acknowledge that she deserved better. Then college got over.

I joined my new job – a very good break for a fresher out of college. Money was no more a constraint and I was really happy to have her by my side since she was the one who got me there. She still was my constant companion and most of my new friends at work saw us together. But sometimes they, and some of my college friends started to jokingly mention that I was too good for her. Everyone was getting new partners and gradually she became the butt of all jokes on me. I tried to defend her and always told them that nothing would ever come between us and I was happy with her just the way she was. But, deep within, something was changing. I wanted to soak up this new life and wanted her to be just as excited about it as I was but she, or rather, “C”, was becoming weaker, older and less enthusiastic about my adventures. I was torn between my aspirations and her growing lack of passion, and this gap was widening every day.

It was at this point that “P” came into my life. She was the new one in town. I was instantly besotted by her full body, those cat eyes and that husky voice. Right from the first time I set my eyes on her, she promised a wild time and showed the potential to deliver. A creature of the night, she was all Bangalore. I was the first man in her life and yes, like “C”, she looked great in red. Very soon I found myself thinking about her all the time – even when I was with “C”. I was setting targets and goals to get her, saving money and making plans to accommodate the expenses that were due once she came into my life and then, one fine evening, I brought “P” home. I knew “C” would be shocked and surprised but I had given up on her long back. To my utter frustration, “C” never reacted. She just resigned herself to her designated spot in our house and stayed there – quietly, never mentioning a word, never asking, never demanding anything from me. I moved on, and moved on fast. “P” was everything that I ever wanted and more. She was wild yet sensible, crazy yet mature and strong yet smooth.

And thus about eighteen months passed. “C” had reduced herself to a carcass. One could barely tell by looking at her that she was the same “C” that once ran, laughed, played and threw tantrums. Much as I was happy with “P”, I knew that I had certain duties towards “C” too. I tried to find a new partner for her but she had just stopped showing any signs of life. I tried to take her to her doctor but he told me that she had no chance of revival and it would be best to just let her go.

“Sirjee aap tension mat lo. Ye to hamara roz ka kaam hai.” With these words, the bulky man and his assistant reassured me that they will take “C” to her rightful place properly. I was feeling terrible but this was something that needed to be done for C’s own good. They dragged her skeletal frame out of the gate of my house and took her into the street, casting a sad shadow of my “C” as she walked under the streetlights, taking a final turn and disappearing forever into the darkness. I broke into tears. “P” was standing in the porch but I paid no attention to her and got inside the house and went straight to sleep.

It has been more than a year since that day and I am very happy with “P”. There have been many stories and memories and P has never ever given me a chance to complain. I have loads of pictures of myself with “P” but it’s funny that I do not have a single picture of “C” with me. I could not afford a camera in those days when she was with me and when I could, I had already brought “P” into my life. But sometimes I wonder if what I did was right. Could I have done it any better? Any differently?

 I hope “C”, wherever she is, is well looked after and taken care of. And I hope she forgives me. “C”, you will always be my first one. And as they say, the first ones are the most special.

P.S. – In case the reader is still wondering, “C” refers to Bajaj Caliber 135cc – the bike I had in college, and “P” is Bajaj Pulsar 150cc– my current bike.

The Uncut Diamond

A newspaper report today said that there are over a billion undernourished people in the world. This means that roughly every sixth human being on this planet does not have enough to eat. And about a third of these people are from India. India – where there are more than 500 million mobile phone connections. Combining these two pieces of information we can roughly say that one in every five Indians is likely to be having a mobile phone, though he may not be able to afford two square meals a day. This country, just like its people, is a painful juxtaposition of many such contradictions.

I spent yesterday evening at a five-star heritage hotel sipping some fine scotch in a beautiful garden listening to a famous singer sing some sufi songs about the oneness of God and the bliss of complete surrender. There was also a whole family begging for its next meal at the traffic signal outside the hotel. I live in a city which is called the Silicon Valley of India. I come from a state which is among the least developed in the country where most of the kids never get to appear for their high school exams. The India that shines is visible to all. It is talked about in newspapers, written about in books and shown in movies. This India is truly shining. It has a fire that gives it its glow. We all see the glow, we all talk about the fire but when it comes to the fuel that powers this fire, we are reluctant to acknowledge - almost dismissive and embarrassed to admit its existence. This fuel is what provides India (the shining one), with its manpower in the form of skilled and unskilled labor to write computer software as well as to harvest potatoes, with its farmers and masons to cultivate fields and build IT parks and domestic helps for its too-busy-to-clean-their-own-home executives and housewives.

There is a huge geographic distance between these two Indias. And the distance between their developmental statuses is, well, of years and decades though it could as well be of light-years except for the fact that they both exist on the same planet. So, as they said in the opening sequence of Star Wars, “In a galaxy far, far away”, there exists another India. An India where you can still see Rajdoot motorcycles, discover what a real gulab-jamun tastes like, where women can look devastatingly beautiful in a simple salwar-kameez and where there are countless love stories that started and ended without the couple ever so much as holding each other’s hands. This is the India that lives in the small-towns. This is the lesser India that was failed by its richer brothers. This is the India that was denied what it rightfully deserved but was too humble to demand – an acknowledgement.

Among other things that the government and the electorate – and by electorate I mean the people who actually vote - has refused to see in this India, is the amazing growth opportunity. They saw the muck. They knew it’s a pain to clean it, but they failed to see what lay hidden under it. The business opportunities in each and every sector, the market for cheaper technologies and availability of resources are just too exciting for anyone to ignore, provided they take a first look. These markets are just opening up now and anyone who has the foresight to tap into this movement is bound to reap benefits way beyond one’s wildest imaginations. This India does not need philanthropists or their charity. It does not need Smart Alecs who borrow twenty thousand rupees from their dads, open a company in their garage with a bunch of friends and soon become millionaires through some smart internet idea and viral marketing. It needs real visionaries. It needs people who have the vision to see beyond the obvious problems, the belly to take strong challenges and bring about a mass movement. And it is more than willing to lap it all up. The resident youth of this India is just waiting for one such movement. Unlike the youth in their parents’ times which saw the fall from being the cultural and intellectual heart of India to  being referred to as the “sandaas” (cesspool) of India so suddenly that they simply did not know what to do, this youth has seen the difference all his life. He has lived his whole life bearing the insult, beatings, prejudices and ruthless jokes and now he has had enough. He needs the same amount of recognition that the rest of his generation get because, time and again, he has proved that given the right opportunities, he is just as capable as anyone else. It is about time that the society looked at the small-town India as the new India - the diamond that is still uncut - and saw that it’s in its own interest to develop it – for India to really shine.

बूँद...( In Hindi)

बूँद...
यूँ ही निकल गया था वो,
अनमना सा, जैसे कोई उम्मीद अभी टूटी हो ..
सर झुका था ज़रा सा, शायद अश्क़ छुपाने के लिए,
बहुत देर वो मेरी पलकों पे रुका था,
मैंने ही रोका हुआ था ज़बरदस्ती, वो तो कबसे जिद कर रहा था...
फिर पलकों से निकल के, होठों के रास्ते,
मेरे हाथों की लकीरों से होता हुआ... मेरा माज़ी भिगा गया..
या शायद वो खुद ही एक आँसू की बूँद था...

Kasturi...

The musk deer is a funny creature. It has a very strong fragrance emanating from between his abdomen and genitals that nature has given it to attract mates, but he spends most of his life hopping mad trying to figure out the source of that fragrance.

But then, again, aren't we all like that? Don't we all spend our lifetime trying to find something? Most of us spend our entire life without ever coming to know what that "something" is. And those few of us who correctly know what they want out of life, don't they too spend a good amount of time trying to figure out how to get it? We give it different names. We call it the search, fulfillment, contentment, happinness. We seek for it in the form of approval, appreciation, acknowledgement. We even confuse it with possessions, acquisitions, victories and yet, after achieving all that and more, feel empty inside. We try to look our best because we think that's what will make us happy. We try to make as much money as we can so that we can buy all the things that will make us happy. We try to fall in love because we feel having someone in our lives will make us happy. And when we get all this, we still feel empty inside. We feel we have it, but we want more of it. So we start all over again. Then, one fine day, when we are too old to run around, we sit and mourn what a waste our whole life has been.

It is not the quest which is wrong.It is the manifestation of the goal in our minds that needs to be reassessed. We need to delve deeper. The thing that we are searching all around us is within us. All the source of joy, happiness, contentment, fulfillment is situated deep inside us, and we, like the musk deer, keep searching for it in every possible place except where we should actually be looking for it. We spend our lifetime chasing our dreams and aspirations and yet feel worthless because we are chasing momentary pleasures at the cost of something much more ephemeral - the joy of being the great creation that we are. We - each one of us - with our strengths, weaknesses, abilities, imperfections are unique and beautiful in our own ways. There is no yardstick that can proclaim one to be better than the other since that is not how we were meant to be. Each of us is a marvel of nature meant to be appreciated for what he or she is and not criticized for what he or she isn't. The individual as a whole is greater than the sum of its parts because the individual has a purpose. The purpose of the individual - the purpose of our being put up in this world, is not to conquer it, but to be a part of it and add to its beauty. It is only when we think and act in accordance with this fact that we truly feel happy.
Everything else is just an illusion.

Nazariya..

Perspective. the faculty of seeing all the relevant data in a meaningful relationship.

During one of our endless chat sessions at the expense of our "billed" time, Ria showed me a sketch that she had drawn recently. The picture, among other things, had a sun in the distant horizon. when i asked whether it was a sunrise or a sunset, she said it's a sunset. i argued that it could as well be a sunrise and that would give a completely different meaning to the picture. Later, I was thinking how just by looking at a picture in a different way, (mind you i'm not making any changes in the picture per se. i am just thinking in a different way than earlier while looking at the picture) we give it a whole new meaning. We all come across text meant to inspire us in the form of forwarded mails, SMSes, greeting cards, wallpapers, t-shirt graffiti and every other conceivable medium of conveying a message trying to tell us to be positive. There is so much of it all around us that one at times wonders if it's just a clever arrangements of words structured to hit a particular spot or there is actually some truth to it.

The answer lies in the sweet spot somewhere in the middle. There is so much of it around us because it is very easy to conjure up words like hope, attitude, ants, mountains etc. and come up with something that sounds a little uplifting. Most of these permutations and combinations are, to a large extent, true as well. It might sound unsettling, especially to engineers like me and other similar logic-driven, solution-oriented creatures that one could simply solve problems by changing one's perspective. But it's true nevertheless. This is because the way we look at a problem, other than the ones we come across in textbooks, decides how we approach it. I am talking about the problems that we come across in our daily lives. The problems in dealing with circumstances, people, crises, opportunities v/s moralities, present v/s past v/s future and other similar things. How you look at something decides, on a subconscious level, how you are going to face it. That, in turn, decides your approach which to a large extent decide the strength of your efforts and ultimately gives you a result. 

It might sound easier than people find it to be but the idea is not to assess the ease, but the very truthfulness of the claim. Having a different perspective may not make your problems disappear, but it definitely lets you prepare better. You can study before an important exam hoping to pass it or you can study telling yourself that you're NOT going to fail, come what may. In the first approach, you would be making the minimum necessary effort which, according to your judgement, should be enough to help you clear the exam whereas, in the second one, you would leave no stone unturned to ensure that you do not leave any possibility of failure. I don't think I need to explain which approach has a higher probability of success.

It is this difference in attitudes that differentiates the achievers from the masses, and the legends from the achievers. It is this attitude that decides, whether it's a sunset - when things are over and it's time to go home, or it's sunrise - full of possibilities and opportunities. They are exact opposites of each other and yet, look the same, as if on purpose.  I think it's a master stroke of the Creator, done as an effort for us to look at it and decide how we're going to see it. He gave us the choice, and he told us the word - Perspective, Drushtikon, Nazariya.